It’s my birthday today (happy birthday to me!) and what better way to start this day than with a blog post!

The theme of this blog post? Mostly the importance of regular communication (to me, and my clients, at least anyway), but also a slight rant near the beginning over something that I (yes I!) was told by a fellow doula this morning.

So, this morning I was told, in no uncertain terms, that *I* communicate FAR TOO MUCH with my clients. Apparently my preferred twice a week schedule of me INITIATING contact with my clients is TOO MUCH for some doulas to accept as OK and what some clients WANT - and I don’t mean asking if they’ve had any niggles or if labour has started, I specifically mean a CHECK IN to see how my client is feeling, if they have any concerns or updates from a recent checkup, to make sure that they are feeling physically and mentally/emotionally well etc, it’s ALL ABOUT THE CLIENT – and I *SHOULD* be reducing it to once a fortnight at most, and that if I was *HER* doula she would be very upset with me for contacting her so much and likely block my number if I did so.

Puh-lease honey, spare me your unwanted personal opinions about how I SHOULD work! Firstly you are obviously not my client, let alone my ideal client (we really would NOT be a good match anyway, your need to make such an unwarranted reply to my own comment answering another doulas question regarding how often we are in contact with our clients is proof of that), and honestly, HOW DARE YOU make assumptions about my clients or even suggest that you have the right to decide what MY CLIENTS want or need?! You have no right to decide what is right or wrong for them just as I have no right to do so.

I laughed initially, because it truly is hilarious that someone else thinks that they know better than I do about how to run my own business, or that they know exactly what my clients want or need when she has have never met or spoken to my clients before (as far as I know, which considering this doula is located in another country there is a high likelihood that she has never come across me or my demographic before).

But I (stupidly I know, one should never “feed the Troll” and I fell for it hook, lie and sinker) took it a step further, I let myself be drawn in and explained, in detail, WHY I do this and WHY I prefer regular communication with my clients, and WHY my clients usually want this kind of communication.

Why did I do this and let myself be drawn in? Because I want other doulas who practice the way that I do (regardless of if they are a new doula or a more experienced doula like myself) to know that it is OK to practice this way, and that they DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE for anyone who practices differently and thinks that it is stupid, a waste of time and/or not what THEY would personally want from their chosen doula.

I want ALL doulas to know that it is OK to contact their clients as little or as much as their clients want them to, whether that’s multiple times a week, once a week, once a fortnight, once a month or longer between contacts.

I also want ALL clients to know that it is OK to contact their doulas as often, or as little, as they wish to do so – and that if your doula doesn’t like you contacting them as much as YOU feel the need to contact them, or you feel that they don’t contact you as much as you want them to contact you, you really need to sit down and have a talk to your doula and talk about it, and if you are unhappy with what the doula says or does then that doula is likely not the right doula for you.

As a doula I want my clients to feel comfortable with contacting me as little or as much as they need to, whenever they feel the need to, and I do like to be able to check in twice a week, either via text message or email, with my clients to make sure that everything is well with them and to also keep the doors of communication open on a regular basis.

With regular communication I am working to build up a relationship between us so that they can know me as more than just the face that they see at anywhere between 1 to 6 times (this is solely dependent on how many prenatal appointments they choose, if they do choose to have any at all) before their birth. I want them to feel comfortable around me. To trust me. I want my clients to be able to feel comfortable in mentioning anything that they may not have been sure was important or worth interrupting me about.

How other doulas practice is of no concern to me – they practice their way, and I practice my way, and our own respective clients are happy, sometimes even ecstatic, with the support that they receive.

What matters to me is my clients wants, needs, wishes and preferences. Most of my past clients have preferred regular contact, the ones who weren’t fussed were happy with a text message or an email outside of their own messages to me every week or two, and for any future client who prefers to not be contacted bi-weekly, or only wants me to check in outside of prenatals once a fortnight or once a month then that is what I would do for them, because WHAT MY CLIENTS WANT is ALL that matters.

I won’t change how I work with my clients based solely on another doulas personal opinion, just as I won’t leave my clients wanting or waiting when they need me.

My clients can rest assured that I’ll be there for them as little or as much as they want me to be there, and can contact me at any time with reservation, fear or worry.

The choice to choose where we birth, when we birth, with whom we birth and how we birth are a basic human right that is often denied to many birthing people.

They are denied to people just like you and I.

We are told that we are "not allowed" to labour a certain way, "not allowed" to go over a certain gestational date based on an estimated date that comes from an incorrect assumption that every single person with a period has a 28 day cycle and ovulates only on day 14 of that cycle.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to labour in a bath or tub and that it’s “too dangerous!” despite research showing it to be safe and the NICE (https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg190/chapter/Recommendations)  guidelines saying that it should be offered to all labouring people.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to get off the bed, wonder around, walk around, move too much, take off the monitors... need I say more?

We are told that we MUST have an IV “just in case” even when there is no reason for one, and no evidence to support the use of having one placed “just in case”.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to VBAC, especially not after 2, 3, 4, 5 or more caesareans even if we wanted to, because, you know, it’s “too dangerous” and no one wants a dead mother or baby... regardless of the fact that it’s well known that the more caesareans that you have the more dangerous pregnancy itself becomes for the birthing person, to the point that after 4 cesareans it’s statistically safer to give birth vaginally (http://www.ican-online.org/education/).

We are told that we are “not allowed” to make our own choices, that we MUST obey our care provider because doctor’s are the “experts” (they ARE the expert in surgical and high risk birth – they are NOT an expert in normal, low to moderate risk birth), despite US knowing our own bodies and babies far better than any care provider ever could.
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Where does it end?

When do we, the birthing people, get to make our own choices about our own bodies and our own births without being forced, through fear-mongering and manipulation, into making a choice that we wouldn't have otherwise made?

The answer to that is pretty simple in theory, but much harder to make a reality.

In order for birthing people to be able to make their own choices, whatever they may be, they need to be supported
 - by their care provider, their family and their friends - in those choices without judgement, manipulation, fear-mongering or coercion.

For most it's hard to do that however, as fear-mongering, coercion, judgement and manipulation (especially with care providers/doctors who are risk adverse) are rampant in all areas of maternity care (in fact it's rife in all sectors of the medical system), finding the right support, finding even the most barely adequate support that meets our individual needs, can be one of the most difficult parts of our pregnancy, birth and parenting journey's.
Once we do have it though we are unstoppable, we can achieve almost anything that we set our hearts and minds on, and the outcomes of our births, even if things don't go the way we had planned, will be better overall.

Our choices are being taken away, one by one, and it is negatively the overall affecting  outcomes for birthing people.

Without choices being available to us we lose our rights, without our rights we become incubators for our babies only, when we become incubators we become objects to be used - and abused - by whoever is in charge.

And that is NOT acceptable.

I mostly write about birth, I’m sure that there are some who think that I talk about it too much (it’s a risk hazard of my profession lol), but this time I’m going to write about YOU.

Specifically...

What are you doing for you?

• In the lead up to your birth?
• After your birth?
• During the sometimes seemingly never-ending journey of parenthood?

As mothers, as parents, we often put ourselves last.

During pregnancy the health of our growing baby and the physical health of our body that is growing our baby are often seen as most important, and our mental and emotional health can be ignored and even pushed aside and forgotten as not important.

During and even after birth it’s often the same – our baby and our physical health are seen as the most important things, our emotional and mental health often gets ignored, usually until we reach breaking point when it can no longer be ignored.

What can we do for US to make it easier on OURSELVES?

Something that we enjoy, something that makes us happy, even if it’s only for 5 minutes every day.
So what makes you happy? What brings you joy?

What can you do FOR yourself today, tomorrow, next week, next month and even next year?

If this is new to you then choose to take 5 minutes out of your day right now (not literally right at this moment but at some point today), sit the kids in front of the TV for 5 minutes, leave the washing in the washing machine or in the basket for 5 minutes, leave the dishes in the sink for 5 minutes, once the kids are in bed take 5 minutes before you jump into doing your usual post-kids-are-in-bed routine, and do something that makes you feel happy and/or brings you joy.

 We can do something FOR US.

​And we NEED to do something for us alongside everything else that we do.

So, what are YOU doing FOR YOU?
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Be Informed.

What does this mean to you?

According to the Cambridge Dictionary (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/informed) the word informed means: “having a lot of knowledge or information about something”.

In the pregnancy and birth field, and in the medical field in general, to be “Informed” means that a person knows the potential benefits and risks of a particular thing, and any other alternative options to that particular thing along with any potential risks and benefits of those alternatives, when obtaining “informed consent” PRIOR TO medical procedures being booked in and/or done.

Part of my job as a doula, and what will also be part of my job as Childbirth Educator once I finish my CBE training, is to INFORM my clients of their options. This means going through the benefits, the risks, and any alternative options and their benefits and risks as well, in order to help my clients be able to make their own informed decisions - that are the best decisions for them - about their care and their births.

Last night I had a discussion, on a very public platform, with someone who was only partially informed and either wasn’t willing, or wasn’t ready, to take the next step into being fully informed.

I won’t lie, it frustrated the shit out of me at the stubbornness and lack of willingness to LEARN more about the subject rather than just accepting as gospel what one single government agency with a known bias and a known lack of up to date evidence based practice had to say, but I kept my responses polite and shared relevant evidence based links (quality links, from multiple highly respected sources) and then wished the person a “good night” and took myself off to bed.

Sleep wasn’t easily obtainable however, the subject of being “informed” kept going around and around in my head, on repeat, and I started wondering about how I could get it out there that there is the necessity for us as parents, and I include myself in the “us” as I am a parent too, to be informed not only about pregnancy and birth but also about the choices that we will have to make as parents – something that seems to be actively discouraged in society in general, we are told and expected to all be the same do the same regardless of our own individual circumstances and personality types

So this blog post is being written – not to promote one agenda over another but to encourage YOU as parents to inform yourselves about your choices.

Don’t just rely on what one government agency or one paediatrician, or on doctor, tells you to be correct or true.
DO THE RESEARCH FOR YOURSELF so that you can make an INFORMED decision based on multiple information sources instead only of one or two information sources that could potentially be biased to make you think that that option (that you are being pointed towards) is the only option available to you.

Look up the studies (PubMed is a good place to start, studies done within the last 5-10 years are the most up to date and usually the most evidence based, you can also look into the authors and make comparisons between studies and then look deeper into any differences that you find – remember, studies done on small numbers of people, eg under 100,000 people, don’t give an accurate overall look into the general population, larger studies of over 100,000 people give a much more accurate representation of the general population in the area/s that the study took place), visit the WHO, ACOG, RANZCOG, Mayo Clinic and CDC websites, and read through everything so you can be informed about the risks and benefits, when something should or shouldn’t be done (contraindications) and why they are being suggested, offered, mentioned and told to you.

When you are fully informed you can make an informed decision.

When you are making an informed decision you are making the best choice for you, your child and/or another family member based on ALL of the options that YOU KNOW to be available and not just the options that you have been told are available to you (these can vary drastically between care providers and hospitals).

Not being informed gives someone else that power – your care provider for example – and takes away your own power to choose from all options and make the right decision for you out of all of those options.
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Being informed gives you the power - the power to choose, the power to make your own decisions and the power to make the right decision for you and yours.

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Does any of this resonate with you? Want to work with me on your pre-birth mindset? Send a message to arrange a no obligation interview to find out if I'm the right doula for you!
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