​I will never be the perfect doula for every single birthing person.

It's simply impossible for me, a human being just like you with all of my own faults and uniqueness and differences, to be absolutely perfect for everyone else regardless of their own faults, differences and uniqueness.

And that is ok.

It is why I offer no-obligation interviews FIRST before someone hires me, to make sure that I am a good fit for my clients, that I am the right doula for my clients, that they feel comfortable with me and the style of support that I offer as a doula.

This usually doesn't get to happen with backup clients, the clients that I'm called out to support on behalf of a colleague who is unable to stay at a birth, or unable to make it to a birth, for whatever reason.

These clients are another doulas clients, not my clients, I'm just there to help when it is needed.

They fit well, mesh well, feel comfortable with that doula that they chose and I'm a secondary emergency replacement that they may never have met before and have no experience with and it can be awkward, it can be difficult.
I try my best to support them well in the way that I 'feel' (from observing their body language) that they need but I don't always get it right, I don't always read a cue the right way or get the right spot with counter pressure, or say the right words, or sometimes I might suggest something that I think might help but they don't want anything to do with it and may feel upset or angry that I suggested it. They don't always tell me what they need either. It's hard, but I really do try my best.

For both of us it can feel like we've been thrown in at the really deep end of a diving pool without a floaty to keep our heads above the water. We're both trying to get through it, the mother is trying to birth her baby, her partner or another support person is trying to support her in whatever way she needs, and I, or any other backup doula, am trying to read cues and provide support when it's needed as it's needed and sometimes we get it wrong or because we're not their chosen doula what we do provide feels wrong to them.

I want to say that that is ok.
And it's ok to tell the backup doula to leave.
It's ok to say that you're not a good match and it's not working.
I also want to say please speak up too if you need/want something and the backup, or even your chosen doula, isn't doing it.
​We can't read minds, we don't always know what you need or want just by looking at you, by observing you. Sometimes we need to be told what you want or need before we can do it. We're human just like you and we can, and do, make mistakes, get things wrong.

I want to thank a particular mum, for whom I was the backup doula, for her honest feedback. Even though I had been expecting it it still felt brutal, but I can cope with that and learn from it. I did my best and tried so hard to provide good support, it just wasn't the right kind of support you needed, *I* just wasn't the right support person for you.
Thank you.
For being so honest.
For confirming what I have been thinking, and condemning myself for, for the past month and a half.
For being true to yourself and what you actually needed and didn't get and not just saying "weeeeellllll, she was ok I guess, I wouldn't hire her again but she was probably ok" when what you might have really wanted to do was slap me and scream in my face.
Thank you for saying you weren't happy with me so that I can make changes, not only in how I provide support as a backup doula but also so that I can now put things in place to work with my colleagues and meet with their clients before the birth so we can, hopefully, know ahead of time if I'm not the right backup to be called in for that particular client.
You're an amazing person, and it was an honor to be able to provide what support I could for you even though we weren't the right fit.
​Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything.

Hiring a doula is a big decision, and often a large investment of hard earned money as well.
 
Figuring out if hiring a doula is the right choice for you can be difficult, and is often fraught with worries and anxieties – What if I choose the wrong one? What if the doula doesn’t do his/her job? Or, god-forbid, doesn’t show up?!?! Is a doula even really worth it?
 
I am going to, briefly, go through some of the major reasons why a doula can be a good investment, and, again briefly, list how a doula can help you through them. This is only a small selection of reasons so please be aware that even if they don't relate to you right now it doesn't mean that a doula won't be a useful tool for your pregnancy and birth.

Reasons why a doula may be needed:

• You are afraid of the pain of labour
• You feel fear of birth itself
• You have fear/anxiety of the unknown - not knowing what will happen during labour
• You have fear/worry/anxiety of things not going the way you hoped/planned
• You feel a general fear of the unexpected, or, of what you expect to have happen
• You are anxious about what to expect, or anxious because of being told by others what to expect
• You feel a generalised anxiety with no immediately apparent cause that overlaps everything to do with your pregnancy and/or birth
• You feel that you are receiving a lack of respect and/or support from the people around you (care providers, partner, family etc)
• You lack trust/faith in your body’s ability to do what it was made to do, you may feel like your body is failing/is a failure

 

A doula can help by:

• Reducing or removing fear of pain through education, support, comfort and reassurance
• Reducing or removing fear of birth itself through education, support, comfort and reassurance
• Helping you to prepare for the unknown – teaching you what could happen and how, and what can be done in difference scenarios, through education and support
• Preparation for what might happen that isn’t what was hoped or planned for – going through benefits, risks and options for different scenarios even if they aren’t what was originally planned
• Learning what the unexpected could be and ways to cope with it, learning what the expected is actually like and how to cope with it
• Learning coping mechanisms, eg breathing, pain management options, support etc, to reduce anxiety and reassurance/reminders that what others say will happen isn’t always what will actually happen – each pregnancy and birth is completely different and no one single person will experience it exactly the same way
• Showing and teaching you coping mechanisms for managing general anxiety, providing reassurance when needed, you will be fully supported always
• You will receive full respect and support in every choice and decision made, and you will still be respected and supported even when you change your mind or decide to do something else at the last moment
• Providing support, education, reassurance and reminders that the human body is made to do whatever you wish it to do, and while sometimes it may not feel like it was working, or it may feel like it failed, it was still doing its job despite whatever problems or complications may have prevented it from working at peak efficiency (eg lack of support by care providers, lack of patience on behalf of care providers, health problems affecting birthing choices, hospital policies, babies positioning, family disagreements affecting birthing choices etc)

​
These are only a few ways in which a doula can assist you through your pregnancy and birth, as mentioned above there are many more that I have not mentioned here that any doula will be happy to talk to you about.

As always, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable, safe, secure and happy with your choice of doula and can trust your doula during one of the most intense, private and emotional times of your life.


​

It’s my birthday today (happy birthday to me!) and what better way to start this day than with a blog post!

The theme of this blog post? Mostly the importance of regular communication (to me, and my clients, at least anyway), but also a slight rant near the beginning over something that I (yes I!) was told by a fellow doula this morning.

So, this morning I was told, in no uncertain terms, that *I* communicate FAR TOO MUCH with my clients. Apparently my preferred twice a week schedule of me INITIATING contact with my clients is TOO MUCH for some doulas to accept as OK and what some clients WANT - and I don’t mean asking if they’ve had any niggles or if labour has started, I specifically mean a CHECK IN to see how my client is feeling, if they have any concerns or updates from a recent checkup, to make sure that they are feeling physically and mentally/emotionally well etc, it’s ALL ABOUT THE CLIENT – and I *SHOULD* be reducing it to once a fortnight at most, and that if I was *HER* doula she would be very upset with me for contacting her so much and likely block my number if I did so.

Puh-lease honey, spare me your unwanted personal opinions about how I SHOULD work! Firstly you are obviously not my client, let alone my ideal client (we really would NOT be a good match anyway, your need to make such an unwarranted reply to my own comment answering another doulas question regarding how often we are in contact with our clients is proof of that), and honestly, HOW DARE YOU make assumptions about my clients or even suggest that you have the right to decide what MY CLIENTS want or need?! You have no right to decide what is right or wrong for them just as I have no right to do so.

I laughed initially, because it truly is hilarious that someone else thinks that they know better than I do about how to run my own business, or that they know exactly what my clients want or need when she has have never met or spoken to my clients before (as far as I know, which considering this doula is located in another country there is a high likelihood that she has never come across me or my demographic before).

But I (stupidly I know, one should never “feed the Troll” and I fell for it hook, lie and sinker) took it a step further, I let myself be drawn in and explained, in detail, WHY I do this and WHY I prefer regular communication with my clients, and WHY my clients usually want this kind of communication.

Why did I do this and let myself be drawn in? Because I want other doulas who practice the way that I do (regardless of if they are a new doula or a more experienced doula like myself) to know that it is OK to practice this way, and that they DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE for anyone who practices differently and thinks that it is stupid, a waste of time and/or not what THEY would personally want from their chosen doula.

I want ALL doulas to know that it is OK to contact their clients as little or as much as their clients want them to, whether that’s multiple times a week, once a week, once a fortnight, once a month or longer between contacts.

I also want ALL clients to know that it is OK to contact their doulas as often, or as little, as they wish to do so – and that if your doula doesn’t like you contacting them as much as YOU feel the need to contact them, or you feel that they don’t contact you as much as you want them to contact you, you really need to sit down and have a talk to your doula and talk about it, and if you are unhappy with what the doula says or does then that doula is likely not the right doula for you.

As a doula I want my clients to feel comfortable with contacting me as little or as much as they need to, whenever they feel the need to, and I do like to be able to check in twice a week, either via text message or email, with my clients to make sure that everything is well with them and to also keep the doors of communication open on a regular basis.

With regular communication I am working to build up a relationship between us so that they can know me as more than just the face that they see at anywhere between 1 to 6 times (this is solely dependent on how many prenatal appointments they choose, if they do choose to have any at all) before their birth. I want them to feel comfortable around me. To trust me. I want my clients to be able to feel comfortable in mentioning anything that they may not have been sure was important or worth interrupting me about.

How other doulas practice is of no concern to me – they practice their way, and I practice my way, and our own respective clients are happy, sometimes even ecstatic, with the support that they receive.

What matters to me is my clients wants, needs, wishes and preferences. Most of my past clients have preferred regular contact, the ones who weren’t fussed were happy with a text message or an email outside of their own messages to me every week or two, and for any future client who prefers to not be contacted bi-weekly, or only wants me to check in outside of prenatals once a fortnight or once a month then that is what I would do for them, because WHAT MY CLIENTS WANT is ALL that matters.

I won’t change how I work with my clients based solely on another doulas personal opinion, just as I won’t leave my clients wanting or waiting when they need me.

My clients can rest assured that I’ll be there for them as little or as much as they want me to be there, and can contact me at any time with reservation, fear or worry.

The choice to choose where we birth, when we birth, with whom we birth and how we birth are a basic human right that is often denied to many birthing people.

They are denied to people just like you and I.

We are told that we are "not allowed" to labour a certain way, "not allowed" to go over a certain gestational date based on an estimated date that comes from an incorrect assumption that every single person with a period has a 28 day cycle and ovulates only on day 14 of that cycle.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to labour in a bath or tub and that it’s “too dangerous!” despite research showing it to be safe and the NICE (https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg190/chapter/Recommendations)  guidelines saying that it should be offered to all labouring people.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to get off the bed, wonder around, walk around, move too much, take off the monitors... need I say more?

We are told that we MUST have an IV “just in case” even when there is no reason for one, and no evidence to support the use of having one placed “just in case”.

We are told that we are “not allowed” to VBAC, especially not after 2, 3, 4, 5 or more caesareans even if we wanted to, because, you know, it’s “too dangerous” and no one wants a dead mother or baby... regardless of the fact that it’s well known that the more caesareans that you have the more dangerous pregnancy itself becomes for the birthing person, to the point that after 4 cesareans it’s statistically safer to give birth vaginally (http://www.ican-online.org/education/).

We are told that we are “not allowed” to make our own choices, that we MUST obey our care provider because doctor’s are the “experts” (they ARE the expert in surgical and high risk birth – they are NOT an expert in normal, low to moderate risk birth), despite US knowing our own bodies and babies far better than any care provider ever could.
​
Where does it end?

When do we, the birthing people, get to make our own choices about our own bodies and our own births without being forced, through fear-mongering and manipulation, into making a choice that we wouldn't have otherwise made?

The answer to that is pretty simple in theory, but much harder to make a reality.

In order for birthing people to be able to make their own choices, whatever they may be, they need to be supported
 - by their care provider, their family and their friends - in those choices without judgement, manipulation, fear-mongering or coercion.

For most it's hard to do that however, as fear-mongering, coercion, judgement and manipulation (especially with care providers/doctors who are risk adverse) are rampant in all areas of maternity care (in fact it's rife in all sectors of the medical system), finding the right support, finding even the most barely adequate support that meets our individual needs, can be one of the most difficult parts of our pregnancy, birth and parenting journey's.
Once we do have it though we are unstoppable, we can achieve almost anything that we set our hearts and minds on, and the outcomes of our births, even if things don't go the way we had planned, will be better overall.

Our choices are being taken away, one by one, and it is negatively the overall affecting  outcomes for birthing people.

Without choices being available to us we lose our rights, without our rights we become incubators for our babies only, when we become incubators we become objects to be used - and abused - by whoever is in charge.

And that is NOT acceptable.