Whether it’s your 1st child or your 15th child birth can be a scary and even nerve-wracking experience for dads-to-be.

You love your partner, and you’re worried for her.

You’re likely nervous about what could happen, what could go wrong, and what the birth itself will be like – potentially you’re even nervous about how you will cope as a father too.

And you’re also likely trying very hard not to let her know just how much it is affecting you because, culturally, you are expected to be strong and brave and to be able to keep it all together for her.

Your partner is going through a life-changing experience as she gives birth – AND SO ARE YOU!

The biggest difference between you both, within that birthing room, is that no one is there to support you as well.
Everyone is there is there supporting your partner – even you!
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Who will support you?
A doula certainly can.

Who will support you as you support your partner?
A doula certainly can.

Who will help you as you help her?
A doula is more than capable of helping you so that you can help her.

Who will be able to get things for you when you are otherwise occupied with what your partner wants and needs from you?
A doula can get you whatever you need, allowing you to stay with your partner and support her.

Who will be able to take over your support role when you need a break, a rest?
This is what a doula does, we don’t take your role away from you, we’re like the backup option – quietly supporting from the background and only stepping in when needed.

Who will bring you food and drink when you are hungry and thirsty but can’t physically leave your partner because she needs YOU?
A doula will happily do this for you – you need to eat and drink too!

Who will wipe the sweat from your forehead when your hands are both busy applying yet another hip squeeze in the middle of a contraction, or providing counter pressure for back labour, or holding your partner up as she relaxes back into you as a contraction ends?
A doula can do this for you.

There’s a common misconception in the general community that doulas are only there to support the mother herself, and are there to replace the supportive role of the father/partner/other support people.
This is most certainly NOT TRUE!

While, as a doula, our role is most often that of supporting the mother during her birth it also encompasses so many other things as well, and supporting the mother can mean so many different things too.

Sometimes supporting the mother means supporting the father, her partner or husband, or another support person, as THEY support her.

Sometimes it means just staying on the other end of the phone, calmly speaking to dad  and bringing him down from a panic attack because contractions have started and he has, in his panic, forgotten what to do.

Sometimes it means giving dad a short crash course in childbirth education at the prenatal meetings, because he has no clue what happens and quite frankly just the thought of a baby’s head coming out of his partners vagina makes him feel woozy and scares the living crap out of him.

Sometimes it means just quietly reassuring dad, in a quiet moment between his partners contractions, that he’s a doing a great job.

As a doula I do not replace you. I work beside you and help you to support her. I support you so you can better support her. I guide you when you need guidance. I help and aid you when you need aid and help. I share my knowledge and skills with you so that you can know what is happening and when, and how to help your partner.
I assist you to be the best support person that you can possibly be for your partner as she brings your baby into the world.

Dads, I know it’s hard to accept extra help and support sometimes, and I know it’s hard to hear and accept your partner wanting someone else, that isn’t just you, in the birthing room with her as she births your child.
We, the doulas, are here for you too.

We are a tool for both you and your partner to utilise as and if and when needed, to help you both have the best birthing experience possible.

Use us well, and use us the way that is right for both of you, and your partner will thank you for it.

Doulas are there for you too.

Spontaneous Labour? Physiological Labour? Augmentation? Induction? Elective Cesarean? Emergency Cesarean?
 
What are they?

Spontaneous labour is labour that begins on its own, meaning that it is not started with induction drugs or a foley bulb/cooks catheter, it is the final culmination of your bodies hormones reaching a level that is individual to you combined with your baby signalling to your body by way of proteins that are released from his or her lungs that then travel to the placenta where they tell your uterus that baby is ready and your uterus then sends signals to your brain that tell your brain that it is time for labour to begin. Spontaneous labour can be augmented with syntocinon  (a labour inducing drug made from synthetic oxytocin which acts similar to but is not the same as the naturally occurring oxytocin in your body) and, in the case of premature labour, can sometimes be stopped with drugs that are designed to relax the uterine muscles and stop contractions (it does not always work however).

Physiological labour is spontaneous labour without any interventions (meaning no drugs, no augmentation, no induction etc and usually no internal examinations as they can sometimes disrupt the physiological process). With the way that our hospital based maternity system is designed this natural labour (it is a completely natural process) is usually only now occurring in rare scenarios – births before arrival (garage, side of the road, hospital car park or entrance way), in some birthing centre births (not all birthing centres are devoid of interventions though they do usually keep them to a minimum) and also in most planned homebirths.

Augmentation is usually used when a spontaneously started labour is going slower than a care provider would like it to go (as a doula and childbirth educator I will stress here that regardless of what a care provider prefers it is still your body and your baby and your birth and you can refuse augmentation if you wish to do so, it is always your choice). Syntocinon is used to make contractions stronger and closer together with the idea that it will speed up labour time (this may or may not be true, it is individual to everyone). There are risks involved with the use of syntocinon however so ask your care provider or doula to go through them with you so you can make an informed decision on if this is the right option for you. Augmentation can also be done when an induced labour, where syntocinon is not yet being used, is slowing down or stopping in order to get contractions going again.

Induction of labour is where labour is induced instead of allowing it to occur spontaneously. Induction usually follows the same general guidelines and which methods are used can depend on if there is any prior dilation of the cervix and what the hospital you are birthing at considers to be normal policy. In general if there is no prior dilation of the cervix a ripening agent will usually be used – like cervadil or misoprostal (both carry risks so please ask your care provider to talk through the benefits and risks of both of these drugs).

Cervical softening  could then be followed by either artificial rupture of the membranes (ARoM) or a foley bulb catheter/cooks catheter to increase dilation (which would then usually be followed by ARoM), this is then usually followed by syntocinon delivered at a steady but increasing rate via an IV drip. Syntocinon also has risks so please ensure that you ask your care provider to talk you through them.

When dilation has already begun prior to the induction ARoM is usually done followed by syntocinon.
Sometimes the cervical softening agents or the foley bulb/cooks catheter or ARoM are all that is needed to get labour going and in these instances syntocinon is not normally used unless labour starts to slow down and augmentation is needed.

Elective caesarean is a caesarean that is usually electively chosen and done before labour has even begun – sometimes labour will begin beforehand and in these circumstances it can be called an emergent elective caesarean (meaning it’s not an emergency, yet, but labour has already begun which means it is classed as an emergency – yes that doesn’t really make much sense but it is how it works in most hospitals). Most (meaning over half) elective caesareans are chosen without any complications indicating that a caesarean is needed and are purely the personal choice of the birthing person – this is perfectly OK, I want to make that very clear. While elective caesareans are considered to be safer than emergency ones they are still major surgery and major surgery carries risks. Prior to scheduling an elective caesarean your care provider should be talking through with you all of these potential risks – not just for the surgery itself but also for any future pregnancies too – so that you can make an informed decision about your mode of birth. If your care provider does not discuss this with you please make sure that they do – ask lots of questions, and ask to see the research.

Emergency caesarean carries many of the same risks as an elective one though usually has a few other risks related to the speed in which they can need to be done. Many emergency caesareans these days are done for reasons that aren’t a true emergency YET but could potentially become one quickly, some are also done solely because a care provider thinks that a birthing person has been in labour for “too long” (usually after 24 or more hours of labour which can be a very normal length of labour for some women) or a birthing person has not dilated beyond a certain point in 3 or more hours (from a physiological standpoint this is very normal and not an actual emergency situation, it just means that the fundus is doing some very hard work that doesn’t involve dilation and likely also indicates that the birthing person needs both food and sleep for energy before more dilation will occur).
 
 
Why should I think about them?

Thinking about your birthing options is important, it helps you to decide which option is the best one for you and your baby and can help you to learn more about what is involved. Getting you thinking before your birth is important, because during labour you may not be able to think clearly and having to make decisions while you are having contractions can potentially disrupt the labour process and make it harder for you to cope with labour.
When you know what you want ahead of time, and have already thought about all of your options and decided on both your main birthing plan and your backup birthing plans (the ones for if your circumstances change) then you don’t have to think as much during labour and there’s less interruptions – you can tell your care providers and partner to refer to your birthing plans first and then go on from there.
 
What if I need an emergency caesarean?

Hopefully you will have investigated this option prior to labour. Most first time mothers, and even many second, third, and so on, time mothers don’t actively think about this option until it comes up unless they have been exposed to the scenario before (either from their own previous birth or from friends, family and acquaintances who have been through it before.  I know for me as a first time mother an emergency caesarean was so far off my radar that I didn’t even look into it, or learn what was involved, and when it became the only option I was still refusing it and saying no while I was being wheeled into theatre because it wasn’t what I had wanted and I knew nothing about what was involved other than that I would be cut open and my baby pulled out of me.

Research!

Learning as much as you can about every option is one of the key’s to having a better birthing experience. You don’t have to know every single nitty gritty little detail about how it is done but knowing the basics can help you to feel more comfortable with what is happening. An emergency situation is almost always scary for the mother, her support people and even for her care providers, so being able to remain somewhat calm and knowing what will happen during the procedure can make it that little bit less scary for you.
 
What if an elective caesarean is offered to me?

This is your personal choice, always. You can consider an elective caesarean, and you can accept or refuse it at any time, and you can even change your mind at any time. You don’t have to make a decision right away and you can tell your care provider that you need time to think it over first.

Ask lots of questions – why is this being offered to me? What are the perceived benefits for me and my baby? What are the risks for me and my baby, not just during this surgery but also in future pregnancies? Are there any alternative options available to me? Do I need to make a decision right now (meaning is it actually an emergency or just a care provider preference?) or can I wait until I’m closer to my estimated due date before making a final decision? If I can’t wait longer before deciding, why? What if I change my mind later on and don’t want to go through with it? Will you support me in my choice if I do decide to not go through with it?

Regardless of what a care providers preference is in regards to your birth you are the one in charge, and you are the one who gets to decide how you birth, regardless of what is happening and what potential benefits or risks are involved.
 
Which option is, in the absence of any complications, safer for me?

From a physiological standpoint, and in the absence of any life threatening complications a spontaneous labour resulting in a vaginal birth is the overall safest option. In some situations an elective caesarean birth may be safer FOR your baby but would have additional risks for you that a vaginal birth does not have.

We need to remember that just a risk of something happening isn’t an immediate life threatening complication so it doesn’t count in this particular scenario (and should only be one minor consideration when making a decision about how you want to birth, combined with the benefits, other potential risks that might be involved, other options and their benefits and risks and your own personal wants, needs and choices) – risks have a place but they are generalised towards the entire population and not towards you as a unique person, and your own individual risk factors, which are separate from the general populations overall risk factors though they do make up one very small percentage of those general risks, often either aren’t taken into account or are considered to be far more important in the moment of making decisions than they actually are.

The risk of uterine rupture for a vbac is a good example of a risk being blown out of proportion, yes there is a risk (0.2% to 0.7% for vaginal births after up to 2 cesareans with an average risk of 0.5% - or 1 in 200, this risk applies to all of a pregnancy and not just to labour alone though it is often promoted as just a risk of labour itself) but the risk itself is quite small when compared to the risks for the mother, both during the surgery and later on in subsequent pregnancies, of a repeat caesarean, yet a repeat caesarean is often offered and even pushed on women who are thinking of having a vbac because of this one risk even though statistically a vbac is much safer for the mother and only slightly less safer (overall based on general risk factors, the vast majority of families who vbac have no problems at all despite not having had a repeat cesarean) for the baby than a repeat caesarean. This is why research, and choosing a supportive care provider are so important, so that you can know the risks, and the benefits, and make the right decision for you and your baby with the support of a care provider who will help you to achieve your goal and will only recommend a caesarean when it is really needed (*hint* most care providers don’t do this, but there are a few wonderful ones out there who do, finding these “unicorn” care providers is often the hardest part of the whole process of planning for a vaginal birth after a cesarean!)

Ask yourself – how do the benefits and risks of this particular option apply to me?
What other options are available to me?
What are their benefits and risks as well?
What do I want?
How does what I want apply to my options?
What could prevent me from birthing the way that I want?
And what can I do to minimise that thing that could prevent me so that I can increase my chances of birthing in the way that I want?
What are my care providers preferences and how do they apply to me?
Do my care providers preferences override my own wants, needs, wishes and rights?
How would my care provider react if I chose something that he/she did not approve of?
Am I comfortable with my care providers reaction?
Am I comfortable in only doing what my care provider says or do I prefer and/or feel more comfortable in doing my own thing?
Do I feel fear or worry or concern when I think about going against my care providers wishes or preferences?
If yes why - why are my care providers wishes and/or preferences more important to me than my own even when they aren’t what I want or what I feel comfortable with?

Regardless of how you choose to give birth make sure that you know what is involved and what your options are, because the more you know, the better prepared you will be, and the easier it will be for you to make informed decisions.
 
 

​I will never be the perfect doula for every single birthing person.

It's simply impossible for me, a human being just like you with all of my own faults and uniqueness and differences, to be absolutely perfect for everyone else regardless of their own faults, differences and uniqueness.

And that is ok.

It is why I offer no-obligation interviews FIRST before someone hires me, to make sure that I am a good fit for my clients, that I am the right doula for my clients, that they feel comfortable with me and the style of support that I offer as a doula.

This usually doesn't get to happen with backup clients, the clients that I'm called out to support on behalf of a colleague who is unable to stay at a birth, or unable to make it to a birth, for whatever reason.

These clients are another doulas clients, not my clients, I'm just there to help when it is needed.

They fit well, mesh well, feel comfortable with that doula that they chose and I'm a secondary emergency replacement that they may never have met before and have no experience with and it can be awkward, it can be difficult.
I try my best to support them well in the way that I 'feel' (from observing their body language) that they need but I don't always get it right, I don't always read a cue the right way or get the right spot with counter pressure, or say the right words, or sometimes I might suggest something that I think might help but they don't want anything to do with it and may feel upset or angry that I suggested it. They don't always tell me what they need either. It's hard, but I really do try my best.

For both of us it can feel like we've been thrown in at the really deep end of a diving pool without a floaty to keep our heads above the water. We're both trying to get through it, the mother is trying to birth her baby, her partner or another support person is trying to support her in whatever way she needs, and I, or any other backup doula, am trying to read cues and provide support when it's needed as it's needed and sometimes we get it wrong or because we're not their chosen doula what we do provide feels wrong to them.

I want to say that that is ok.
And it's ok to tell the backup doula to leave.
It's ok to say that you're not a good match and it's not working.
I also want to say please speak up too if you need/want something and the backup, or even your chosen doula, isn't doing it.
​We can't read minds, we don't always know what you need or want just by looking at you, by observing you. Sometimes we need to be told what you want or need before we can do it. We're human just like you and we can, and do, make mistakes, get things wrong.

I want to thank a particular mum, for whom I was the backup doula, for her honest feedback. Even though I had been expecting it it still felt brutal, but I can cope with that and learn from it. I did my best and tried so hard to provide good support, it just wasn't the right kind of support you needed, *I* just wasn't the right support person for you.
Thank you.
For being so honest.
For confirming what I have been thinking, and condemning myself for, for the past month and a half.
For being true to yourself and what you actually needed and didn't get and not just saying "weeeeellllll, she was ok I guess, I wouldn't hire her again but she was probably ok" when what you might have really wanted to do was slap me and scream in my face.
Thank you for saying you weren't happy with me so that I can make changes, not only in how I provide support as a backup doula but also so that I can now put things in place to work with my colleagues and meet with their clients before the birth so we can, hopefully, know ahead of time if I'm not the right backup to be called in for that particular client.
You're an amazing person, and it was an honor to be able to provide what support I could for you even though we weren't the right fit.
​Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything.

Hiring a doula is a big decision, and often a large investment of hard earned money as well.
 
Figuring out if hiring a doula is the right choice for you can be difficult, and is often fraught with worries and anxieties – What if I choose the wrong one? What if the doula doesn’t do his/her job? Or, god-forbid, doesn’t show up?!?! Is a doula even really worth it?
 
I am going to, briefly, go through some of the major reasons why a doula can be a good investment, and, again briefly, list how a doula can help you through them. This is only a small selection of reasons so please be aware that even if they don't relate to you right now it doesn't mean that a doula won't be a useful tool for your pregnancy and birth.

Reasons why a doula may be needed:

• You are afraid of the pain of labour
• You feel fear of birth itself
• You have fear/anxiety of the unknown - not knowing what will happen during labour
• You have fear/worry/anxiety of things not going the way you hoped/planned
• You feel a general fear of the unexpected, or, of what you expect to have happen
• You are anxious about what to expect, or anxious because of being told by others what to expect
• You feel a generalised anxiety with no immediately apparent cause that overlaps everything to do with your pregnancy and/or birth
• You feel that you are receiving a lack of respect and/or support from the people around you (care providers, partner, family etc)
• You lack trust/faith in your body’s ability to do what it was made to do, you may feel like your body is failing/is a failure

 

A doula can help by:

• Reducing or removing fear of pain through education, support, comfort and reassurance
• Reducing or removing fear of birth itself through education, support, comfort and reassurance
• Helping you to prepare for the unknown – teaching you what could happen and how, and what can be done in difference scenarios, through education and support
• Preparation for what might happen that isn’t what was hoped or planned for – going through benefits, risks and options for different scenarios even if they aren’t what was originally planned
• Learning what the unexpected could be and ways to cope with it, learning what the expected is actually like and how to cope with it
• Learning coping mechanisms, eg breathing, pain management options, support etc, to reduce anxiety and reassurance/reminders that what others say will happen isn’t always what will actually happen – each pregnancy and birth is completely different and no one single person will experience it exactly the same way
• Showing and teaching you coping mechanisms for managing general anxiety, providing reassurance when needed, you will be fully supported always
• You will receive full respect and support in every choice and decision made, and you will still be respected and supported even when you change your mind or decide to do something else at the last moment
• Providing support, education, reassurance and reminders that the human body is made to do whatever you wish it to do, and while sometimes it may not feel like it was working, or it may feel like it failed, it was still doing its job despite whatever problems or complications may have prevented it from working at peak efficiency (eg lack of support by care providers, lack of patience on behalf of care providers, health problems affecting birthing choices, hospital policies, babies positioning, family disagreements affecting birthing choices etc)

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These are only a few ways in which a doula can assist you through your pregnancy and birth, as mentioned above there are many more that I have not mentioned here that any doula will be happy to talk to you about.

As always, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable, safe, secure and happy with your choice of doula and can trust your doula during one of the most intense, private and emotional times of your life.


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It’s my birthday today (happy birthday to me!) and what better way to start this day than with a blog post!

The theme of this blog post? Mostly the importance of regular communication (to me, and my clients, at least anyway), but also a slight rant near the beginning over something that I (yes I!) was told by a fellow doula this morning.

So, this morning I was told, in no uncertain terms, that *I* communicate FAR TOO MUCH with my clients. Apparently my preferred twice a week schedule of me INITIATING contact with my clients is TOO MUCH for some doulas to accept as OK and what some clients WANT - and I don’t mean asking if they’ve had any niggles or if labour has started, I specifically mean a CHECK IN to see how my client is feeling, if they have any concerns or updates from a recent checkup, to make sure that they are feeling physically and mentally/emotionally well etc, it’s ALL ABOUT THE CLIENT – and I *SHOULD* be reducing it to once a fortnight at most, and that if I was *HER* doula she would be very upset with me for contacting her so much and likely block my number if I did so.

Puh-lease honey, spare me your unwanted personal opinions about how I SHOULD work! Firstly you are obviously not my client, let alone my ideal client (we really would NOT be a good match anyway, your need to make such an unwarranted reply to my own comment answering another doulas question regarding how often we are in contact with our clients is proof of that), and honestly, HOW DARE YOU make assumptions about my clients or even suggest that you have the right to decide what MY CLIENTS want or need?! You have no right to decide what is right or wrong for them just as I have no right to do so.

I laughed initially, because it truly is hilarious that someone else thinks that they know better than I do about how to run my own business, or that they know exactly what my clients want or need when she has have never met or spoken to my clients before (as far as I know, which considering this doula is located in another country there is a high likelihood that she has never come across me or my demographic before).

But I (stupidly I know, one should never “feed the Troll” and I fell for it hook, lie and sinker) took it a step further, I let myself be drawn in and explained, in detail, WHY I do this and WHY I prefer regular communication with my clients, and WHY my clients usually want this kind of communication.

Why did I do this and let myself be drawn in? Because I want other doulas who practice the way that I do (regardless of if they are a new doula or a more experienced doula like myself) to know that it is OK to practice this way, and that they DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE for anyone who practices differently and thinks that it is stupid, a waste of time and/or not what THEY would personally want from their chosen doula.

I want ALL doulas to know that it is OK to contact their clients as little or as much as their clients want them to, whether that’s multiple times a week, once a week, once a fortnight, once a month or longer between contacts.

I also want ALL clients to know that it is OK to contact their doulas as often, or as little, as they wish to do so – and that if your doula doesn’t like you contacting them as much as YOU feel the need to contact them, or you feel that they don’t contact you as much as you want them to contact you, you really need to sit down and have a talk to your doula and talk about it, and if you are unhappy with what the doula says or does then that doula is likely not the right doula for you.

As a doula I want my clients to feel comfortable with contacting me as little or as much as they need to, whenever they feel the need to, and I do like to be able to check in twice a week, either via text message or email, with my clients to make sure that everything is well with them and to also keep the doors of communication open on a regular basis.

With regular communication I am working to build up a relationship between us so that they can know me as more than just the face that they see at anywhere between 1 to 6 times (this is solely dependent on how many prenatal appointments they choose, if they do choose to have any at all) before their birth. I want them to feel comfortable around me. To trust me. I want my clients to be able to feel comfortable in mentioning anything that they may not have been sure was important or worth interrupting me about.

How other doulas practice is of no concern to me – they practice their way, and I practice my way, and our own respective clients are happy, sometimes even ecstatic, with the support that they receive.

What matters to me is my clients wants, needs, wishes and preferences. Most of my past clients have preferred regular contact, the ones who weren’t fussed were happy with a text message or an email outside of their own messages to me every week or two, and for any future client who prefers to not be contacted bi-weekly, or only wants me to check in outside of prenatals once a fortnight or once a month then that is what I would do for them, because WHAT MY CLIENTS WANT is ALL that matters.

I won’t change how I work with my clients based solely on another doulas personal opinion, just as I won’t leave my clients wanting or waiting when they need me.

My clients can rest assured that I’ll be there for them as little or as much as they want me to be there, and can contact me at any time with reservation, fear or worry.